I had forgotten that I couldn’t live without music. Without the beats filling the walls, my ears as I slept, as I woke.
I forgot that I loved lyrics. That I felt each word like a shot to my heart.
I forgot that I thought in poetry. That I used to think. No longer.
I forgot that words like “Even if a thousand suns explode, our love would never disintegrate” would have made me swoon.
That beautiful words were how I lived, breathed, dreamed. I used to write poetry. I used to think in poetry. I used to see poetry in everything. I used to romanticize the wind, the flowers, the waves, everything.
I’d forgotten such an ‘essentially me’ thing. A part that made me who I am. I had forgotten that this is the person I used to be.
Somehow, I’ve changed, and I don’t even know if I’m happier than before, but all I know is that part of me, that hopelessly romantic part of me, has been somehow buried so far.
It took me 4 years. Only four. That’s how long it took to bury it.
My heart knew, every second I was ruthlessly squashing it into the bottomless pit that my soul was, knew that it wouldn’t be long before it went for real. I had been burying it during the day, and glorying in those vivid dreams during the night. But slowly, even the night became bare.
And today, I sit and listen to a beautiful song, and close my eyes in pain. Because other than pain, I am able to feel nothing. I wonder how long I have been like this.
I wonder how long it will take for poetry to fill my thoughts again.
I wonder how long I’ll take to find myself again.
I close my eyes and I can see
The world that’s waiting up for me
That I call my own
Through the dark, through the door
Through where no one’s been before
But it feels like home
Every night I lie in bed
The brightest colors fill my head
A million dreams are keeping me awake
A million dreams, a million dreams
I think of what the world could be
A vision of the one I see
A million dreams is all it’s gonna take
A million dreams for the world we’re gonna make